Letting Go is a Process, Give Yourself Time
To the rest of the world, Pearl closed in February of 2020. For me, it closed today. Yes, its mid October now. There have been many phases and emotions to process over the past 9 months. At first, I couldn't even "look" at it or think about it. I had to ignore it so I could recover. Slowly, my attention came back to it, I found gratitude in my new lifestyle, which could only happen by letting Pearl go. Later, I wrote about my experience. By telling the world how I actually felt and what actually happened, I shed another layer. But in the past weeks since writing "Letting Go", I have had mixed emotions. On one hand I felt great, and the outpouring of support from my friends and acquaintances was beautiful; it has led to some renewed connections and new friendships. Thank you, Universe, for those. On the other hand, I have been having severe waves of anxiety, which, at first seemed to have no source.
Dealing with emotions has been a lifelong job for me, as I am an extremely emotional person. And that's not a bad thing - I think its a beautiful part of who I am, and I think its one reason I'm so good with horses. Regardless, it requires work and self management, and that has always been easier when I can identify the source of the emotions. So when I feel anxiety, and I can't tell where it's coming from, naturally that makes the anxiety worse!
Finally after doing some reflecting (over the course of many days and weeks) I realized I'm still holding on to Pearl in some ways. This came to me suddenly while driving my truck down the highway - I call these realizations "downloads" from the Universe. Now, there are some things that simply can't be wrapped up yet. My taxes for example, seem to be on an eternal hold with the IRS due to COVID-19, and I just have to live with that. But there are other things - the Facebook page is still up, the Instagram is still active. Occasionally I still get messages about lessons and boarding. My business bank account is still open, and the Pearl Equestrian LLC is still active with the state of Ohio. I'm not completely sure why I haven't closed these things and taken the pages down, but for whatever reason, it hasn't felt right until now. I realize I have more letting go to do, the process isn't complete - materialistically, and internally.
So today I do these things. I have set aside the whole day to address these "to-dos" but also give myself time and space to honor Pearl and everything it was for me and everyone else, to process the grief, and to wrap it up as a special memory and leave it in the past so I can more fully move forward with peace.
Tips for processing change:
Listen to a guided meditation on the topic. I listened to this one today and really loved it: Letting Go by Louise Fitzgerald on Insight Timer.
Play this sound bath for letting go of overthinking and worry.
Write "the thing" or the emotions associated with it down on a piece of paper, then burn it.
Write "the thing" on a piece of paper, stand at the shore of the ocean, then drop the paper and let the waves carry it back into the sea. You can visualize this if you aren't near the coast.
Breathing exercise: Sit quietly and close your eyes. With every inhale breathe in love and light (or whatever else you wish to bring into your life) and with each exhale blow out that which no longer serves you. Repeat as many times as you need until you feel the shift and become lighter.
Journaling, or blogging if you want to share your feelings with the world.
Take a shower and visualize the water rinsing away everything you no longer wish to hold on to.